When I was eighteen, I figured I was an adult just like everyone else. Now that I’m almost 34, eighteen year-olds still seem like children.

When I was eighteen, my most expensive toy was my $3000.00 SAAB Sonnett. I just spent an evening with four children whom showed me their 10 million dollar M1 Abrams play toy. Not the one that they get to borrow the keys to every once and a while, but their very own to love and to hold, to nourish and care for, until death or total destruction do they part. The sucker could even launch tactile nuclear weapons!

Scary, very scary.

For those of you who haven’t figured it out yet; an M1 Abrams is a tank. Yes’sir’ree Bob. I’m a tanker now. At least I’m the doctor for a whole bunch of child tankers. And I get to go play in the sand for six months with them.

I’m actually kind of excited. Boys with toys kind of thing. If it moves…blast it. If it doesn’t moves…blast it anyway!

Allow me to supply a quick update on how I got to join this playgroup:

First there was a big bang, then Earth then cooled. Something not unlike a lawyer slithered out of the primordial ooze. People separated into different religions. I was born into the Jewish religion which meant that I was supposed to be a doctor. (You see, in the Jewish religion, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates medical school.)

I became an auto mechanic instead. I partied for four years in Athens,GA. Came back home and lived with George Balbona. Next, I became the Lorax and spoke for the trees. Following that, I worked as an engineer for The Coca Cola Company, and then finally found religion and went to med school. Meanwhile, some members of two other religions got in a fight with each other in the Middle-East, and now they need me to come settle the whole thing.

Leaving behind the two greatest things in my life: Amanda and Kayla. (Mandy and Kayla will have their surgery for separation-at-the-hip postponed while I’m deployed.)

I will also be leaving behind two dogs: Maggie and Truman, whom share the same brain cell.

Some fish, which I beg all of you to call Amanda regularly and remind her to feed, or I fear they will be floating belly up within a week.

A really nice house in Savannah, GA. With a spectacular room decorated to tribute Mandy’s motorcycle idol: Ben Bostrom. We refer to the room as the Ducati Room.

Four motorcycles, three cars, two trailers…..

and a boat.

The boat is a lot of fun. I launched it into the air last month with Jose and Mandy aboard. It was just like a Bond film !! Ask them about it.

I’m learning to fish…I seem to have a better chance at successfully fishing then I did golfing. It’s official…I can’t golf. Sorry Eric, Sorry Dad. Ain’t gonna happen. Thanks for the nice set of dust collectors dad. I’m the only doctor in town that can’t golf, but I tried.

I mentioned lawyers and scum dwelling reptiles. I am seriously considering going to law school after I’m done with my three year commitment with the ARMY.

As the great Henry Sutton once said: “That’s where the money is”.

I’m never going to afford all the toys I want on a doctor’s salary, and most certainly never going to be able to open up the motorcycle shop that Mandy wants without a more generous income.

You can call me shallow, but I’d also like you to call me rich.

Who knows, maybe I’ll sue doctors. We don’t know what we’re doing anyway.

Hey, don’t tell that to my 980 children…So far they think I know what I’m doing.

I did spend the night at a Holiday Inn Express once.